Guilt Free Napping

dd-itMen love napping.  While no two men are the same, we all share a passion for the occasional afternoon snooze.  If you’re a dude and you don’t have a man crush on Rip Van Winkle, something is wrong with you.

Women hate when men nap.  While no two women are the same, they universally share a loathing for their man taking a visit to never-never land during normal operating hours.  Less so before kids, but definitely after kids have entered the picture.

WHY YOU ARE WORTHLESS WHEN YOU NAP

Why, when we are overtaken by the sweetness that is the afternoon nap, do we awake to the stink eye?  How much stink eye was administered while we napped?  Didn’t we spend all morning with the kids solo?  Didn’t we already mow the lawn and attend the soccer game?  I have some thoughts…

  • Napping is viewed as a lazy habit.  Women are programmed to find lazy men repulsive.  Even Brad Pitt looks ugly when he is napping.  If you’re a 10 awake, you go to a 6 when napping.  If you’re a 5, you go to a 1.  If you’re a 1, sleep all you want.
  • When you’re napping, you aren’t helping.  As parents we have endless tasks if we want them.  Napping is not on any to-do list.  If we have younger children, their demands are relentless.  So, if you’re napping and your wife isn’t, her workload increases…you lazy son-of-a bitch.
  • The couch decorations include pillows, not dudes.  Many of our ladies have thoughtfully adorned the living room couch with pillows and blankets.  It was part of their vision when they bought the couch.  You thought of the couch as a place to watch sports and sneak in the odd nap.  She saw a complement to the living decor, complete with friends and family laughing and sharing in good times together.  Your unshaven, unkempt, snoring self (not to mention man smell) was not part of the dream that was that couch.
  • No one ever accomplished anything great during a nap.  That’s just a fact.  Our women want greatness from us, which in most other endeavors pushes us forward to more than we could do on our own.  Not so with napping.  Napping is not unlike Johnny Manziel; a complete waste of talent.  When you nap, to your woman you’re a first round NFL pick who can’t stop going to night clubs and mouthing off at coach.

NAPPING AND SHAMING – A PICTORIAL

Women love shaming the men in their lives by taking pictures of them napping, then including them in family photo shares.  Below is proof of this accusation from my own life…

napping

My son in a poolside nap. Adorable. Busted.

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The author, teaching that very son how to nap, while his perfect non-napping daughter lurks in the background. Busted.

My old man, napping on a park bench? That's hardcore. Busted.

My old man, napping on a park bench? That’s hardcore. Busted.

“If you’re in my space or the kids’, we’re not obliged to tiptoe around you and facilitate the nap. At least get out of our sight if you’re going to do it.”

YOU LOVE TO NAP, WHAT TO DO?

A few ideas on how you can pick up a nap while minimizing the side effects…

  • Nap on work trips.  While not your couch, the plane can suffice.  One of our unique skills as men is that we can nap standing if necessary.  The airplane seat is better than standing.  If don’t have a job that involves travel and you love napping, consider finding a new job.
  • Nap in the car.  Not while you’re driving, but there will be times when kids need to be picked up and you can “wait” outside…with your phone alarm programmed to go off five minutes before you need to be functional.
  • Take your kids to the movie theater.  It’s dark and cold, and if they’re old enough they’ll sit for two captive hours.  You’re free to fade away, just make sure not to sleep through the credits.
  • Feign illness.  Don’t play this card too often, but once every two years is fair.  Employed sparingly, this pathetic maneuver may just get you a guilt free nap.  If you are truly ill, savor it for the napping opportunity.  I had a brutal fever two years ago, which sucked, but at least I squeezed in a 15 hour nap.
  • Nap on the bed, with the door closed.  This one comes directly from my wife, “If you’re in my space or the kids’, we’re not obliged to tiptoe around you and facilitate the nap. At least get out of our sight if you’re going to do it.”  Damn, player.  I told you napping makes us hideous.

TO NAP OR NOT TO NAP

So, as men and dads, should we give up on the napping?  No way!  We simply need to pick our spots, and recognize that if the nap takes place in her presence we will be seen as lazy, worthless, ugly and not living up to our potential.  I can live with that.  It could be worse.  I can’t think of how at the moment, but I’m sure it could be.  Sweet dreams!