Given the massive popularity of my previous entry, The Top 5 Signs That Your Grade Schooler Has Street Cred, I have decided to continue the franchise, starting from the beginning.
HOW CAN YOU KNOW IF YOUR NEWBORN HAS STREET CRED?
As before, I won’t waste your time with web page navigation shenanigans. Based on my extensive research, here they are…
- The don’t wait to be fed
- They sleep with one eye open
- They throw gang signs
- They smile at strangers
- They pee on you
Let’s examine each of these more closely…
They Don’t Wait To Be Fed
Some newborns are docile, and simply wait around to be served. They don’t have street cred. Others grab for their milk, aggressively, without asking. Beyond breasts, newborns with street cred attempt to squeeze milk out of anything that resembles a breast. I have a large nose. I have held newborns who have attempted to nurse on it. Those kids are ballers.
They Sleep With One Eye Open
Street cred is all about having the power in relationships. If your newborn goes to sleep when you want them to, you have the power. Thus, newborns with street cred will lead you to believe that they are asleep. As you attempt to slink away, one of their eyes will open. Ironically, it’s kind of like a reverse wink. No sleep for you. Street cred for your newborn.
They Throw Gang Signs
We’ve all seen these, but didn’t realize they were a telltale sign of street cred. I’ve included a picture below for reference. Newborns with street cred come out of the womb with gang sign reflexes, and throw them without warning in otherwise innocent pictures. East Coast, West Coast, Coast to Coast, Tupac, Biggie. It’s all good, from Diego to the Bay.
They Smile at Strangers
Who amongst us has given the finger while farting as one of our enemies turns their back? I know, stupid question. All of us. Newborns with street cred learn this trick very early in life, only they don’t wait for anyone to turn around AND they take it one step further. Check it. Gullible stranger looks at cute newborn. Cute newborn stares into stranger’s eyes and smiles. Cute newborn drops massive load in diaper. Stranger gives newborn anything they want. That’s hardcore.
They Pee On You
Most babies cry when they have a wet diaper. Babies with street cred don’t wet their diapers. Why? They know that their handler will eventually open the diaper to see if it is wet, at which point they will douse their mark in urine. As we’ve already discussed, street cred is all about power. Peeing on something or someone is the ultimate show of dominance over that thing or person. For example, I love peeing on my back yard. It’s an awesome show of authority over the land that is mine.
THERE’S NO BETTER TIME TO START THAN NOW
So there it is. If you have a newborn and want to know if they have street cred, simply watch for the preceding signs. Can they still develop street cred at a later point in life? Yes, but it is far easier to lead a life with street cred if one starts early (think Tiger Woods or Mozart). And yes, it can be taught to a degree. As parents it is our responsibility to encourage and reward these behaviors as often as possible. If we do so, street cred can spread like a wildfire across day care facilities from Omaha to Alaska, and America will start winning again.
Continue this series of entries with The Top 5 Signs That Your Toddler Has Street Cred