Several times each week I am seduced by a link that promises to tell me The 5 Best Places to Earn a Million Dollars, The 5 Celebrity Kids Who Used to Be Oddballs But Are Now Hot, The 5 Foods That Will Make Your Colon Explode After Reading This, etc. Thus, I’m hopping on the bandwagon in an attempt to attract readers. Let’s be honest, we all need more eyeballs. On a positive note, my top 5 article won’t require you to navigate through a gauntlet of “next” buttons as you attempt to advance the frame, nor will it crash your computer. What it will do is tell you something extremely important:
HOW CAN YOU KNOW IF YOUR GRADE SCHOOLER HAS STREET CRED?
This is a vitally important question for any parent of a grade schooler. For the sake of this entry, I have chosen to focus on grade school children, as their top 5 signs of street cred have just become apparent to me. If this is wildly popular, I’ll uncover the signs for other age groups – newborns, toddlers, pre-schoolers, middle schoolers, high schoolers and finally college. See what I’m doing? This thing is a freaking franchise.
Enough already. Here are The Top 5 Signs That Your Grade Schooler Has Street Cred (in no particular order…they’re all legit):
- They read chapter books
- They stay up late
- They don’t like pop music
- They do the monkey bars
- They are rich
See, I revealed them to you without any shenanigans involving clicking on an ad by mistake. That’s innovation. Let’s break each of these down in a little more detail, shall we?
This is frequently the first sign that appears. If your child one day simply refuses to read anything that is NOT a chapter book, it is possible that they have street cred. While others in their peer set languish with books heavily laden with pictures and oversize text, your little bad ass is onto books broken into…it’s coming…settle down…CHAPTERS! So nasty.
My eldest recently had a sleepover at our house. Dinner conversation revolved around one of their mutual friends, who is particularly cool. The major proof point? You guessed it, at a recent slumber party this child stayed up several hours after the rest of the others. So. Freaking. Tough.
No More Pop Music
Is there anything that screams I HAVE STREET CRED more than a seven year old telling you that she “doesn’t like Taylor Swift…doesn’t like pop music”. Yeah, because Taylor Swift sucks so bad that Ryan Adams covered one of her albums in its entirety. Taylor Swift sucks so bad that she forced Apple to change their policy towards artist royalties. Oh yeah, and she’s written (as in on her own) about a bazillion number one hits. Hence the reason that this is one of the most critical signs of grade school street cred – having a deep understanding of song writing, musical talent and the industry, in addition to the ability to write great lyrics, all before your eighth birthday. I never said having street cred is easy.
The king of the jungle is the lion. The king of the playground is the monkey…bars. If you can make it all the way across the monkey bars, you might have street cred. If you can make it out and back, you might have street cred. If you can make it out and back AND you break your arm on the apparatus, you definitely have street cred. (If your kid can’t do either, and they break their arm in the process, they’re doomed. Consider changing school districts.) That said, if your kid is bordering on having street cred, and you want it to be solidified, strongly suggest to them that they break their arm attempting a stunt…preferably a stunt that would have given Mary Lou Retton Hershey squirts (after mastering the back and forth of course). Seriously, strutting around with a cast from a monkey bar accident is H.A.R.D.
I’ve heard both of my grade schoolers talk with awe about kids in their classes who are “rich”. These mini tycoons can apparently make it rain whenever they want. How are they so rich? Well, over a span of several years they have amassed hundreds, maybe even thousands, worth of savings. If they wanted, they could take everyone in their class to the Lego store and buy each one a mini figure, with enough leftover for a small Chima set for themselves. It’s impossible to verify their actual net worth, but they love bumping their gums about their bloated bank accounts, so it has to be significant. You wouldn’t say anything like that unless you could back it up. And that’s kind of the definition of street cred.
IF THEY HAVE IT, YOU HAVE IT
So there you have it. Hopefully you have enjoyed reading The Top 5 Signs That Your Grade Schooler Has Street Cred, but more importantly that you have learned something. Parenting these days is more challenging than ever. Knowing if those in your charge have street cred will certainly inform some of the more critical parenting decisions that you will face. That said, if your grade schooler indeed has street cred, pat yourself on the back. You likely have it too.