Girl Scout Cookies Mule

Bottom line, my girl needed to move product (specifically, Girl Scout Cookies).  She took on the inventory, and promised her syndicate payment.  If she did as she said, the rewards were many.  Right in the brochure in fact.  If she didn’t?  Well, let’s not talk about that.  She’s my girl.  My blood.  Mi famiglia.  As Bryan Adams sang in Robin Hood, “I’d die for you.

The money was due in a few days.  Unfortunately, there was heat all around our territory.  Seemed that others had beat us to the punch, or that when we were ready to go it just didn’t feel right.  The goods weren’t moving.  My girl was breaking into cold sweats.  I had to do something.  Girl Scout cookies don’t sell themselves.  Or maybe they do?

Turns out I knew a guy who works with a bunch of other guys who have a taste for the sweetness.  I can’t say his name or what happened before, but I helped this guy in in a jam a few years back and he owed me.  Karma.

A call was placed.  Names were exchanged, urgency was communicated.  Before I knew it, all of the stash was spoken for.  Which was good.  Except for one problem:  someone had to get it from Austin to Dallas.  Tomorrow.  That someone was me.  Remember that Bryan Adams thing?  I purchased my plane ticket.

31 boxes.  Neatly stuffed in an unassuming duffel bag with a corporate logo.  No one would know the better…unless the sniffers showed up.  To add insult to injury, the strain we had was pungent, maybe even minty.  Prayers.  Say your prayers.

The duffle bag, fully loaded with the sweetness.

The duffle bag, fully loaded with the sweetness.

To add insult to injury, the strain we had was pungent, maybe even minty.

Turns out that God must have a special place in his heart for girls like mine.  Whoever normally lets the dogs out slept in.  Or maybe regardless of what they say in that song, no one ever lets the dogs out?  Whatever, they weren’t there.  I made a commotion, pretending to wet myself and screaming “WOW THAT’S AWKWARD!” as the duffel went through the x-ray machine.  Out of the corner of my eye I could see the dark circular masses pass across the screen.  My stir only distracted the agent for an instant, but that instant was enough.  I retrieved the bag and moved onto my gate.  My pants were actually dry.  Suckers.

At that point, I thought I was through the worst.  Unfortunately the paranoia was overwhelming once aboard the plane.  Every time someone glanced in my direction it felt like they were looking into my caramel and coconut coated soul.  When we hit turbulence and I heard bags shift in the overhead, my stomach turned.  My customers would not be happy with damaged goods, even if their ultimate plans were to crumble them on top of their ice cream.

Every time someone glanced in my direction it felt like they were looking into my caramel and coconut coated soul.

After what seemed like forever, we made it to Dallas and I found my way to the rental car with the Girl Scout Cookies.  Were those cops by the Hertz there to oversee road construction or were they expecting me?  Phew.  Road construction.

15 minutes later I was at a dumpster behind a large warehouse.  My contact was waiting for me with a switch blade, which he used to open one of the packages.  He was happy, the shit was pure.  As promised.  After taking down an entire sleeve on his own, he let me into the facility where the masses were eagerly anticipating my arrival.  The one dollar bills piled up faster than Pac Man Jones could make it rain.  Pac Man Jones may actually have been in the crowd.  90% positive I saw Dirk Nowitzki, but hard to tell.  Turns out a lot of guys look like Dirk.  It was all a blur.  Someone even took the Rah Rah Raisins.  I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.  People drink rubbing alcohol too.

After taking down an entire sleeve on his own, he let me into the facility where the masses were eagerly anticipating my arrival.

Back in the rental I let out an audible sigh.  That was rough, but also exhilarating.  The important part was that my girl was off the hook.  Until next year.  She can’t over commit again.  But she will.  The prizes are too damn tempting.  Luckily there is an insatiable taste for the sweetness, and men like me who will do anything for their girl.  #dothedoody and move some product for the Girl Scout Cookies pusher in your life.

Girl scout cookies in a duffel bag with money

Mo money, less problems…for now.